Dust of a Dreaming Star

SO... We all know I am not one to cheat. At all. I don't believe in it. I'm definitly going into self destruct mode. so... fucked up. I'm watching the rugrat tonight. I'm basically watching him every night this week. Well, I have this friend... yes I met him on the internet. No you can't bitch at me cause I met most of you on the internet. Well, we been talking as friends for a while. Just bullshit stuff. I didn't tell him that i had a bf. Never thought to. Well, I sora invited him over... actully I asked if we would ever meet in person... well one thing led to another and he came over. I know I'm going to be asked who was over last night by mom and others. I am just saying that one of my friends borrowed a car to come see me for a few. Anyways, we were on the couch talking. He starts tickling me. Everyone knows I love a good tickle fight. Well, we kept tickling each other off and on. We watched Get Smart during it. Well, when we were tickling at one point he looked at me and kissed me. I was caught by surprise. Of course, i just blew it off. He did it again. When the movie was over he went home. Did I cheat?? I don't know! I do care about the bf. Everything is getting to me. I'm going to try and forget it. I think I'll finish laundry and then crash. Hope everyone has a Happy thanksgiving!!!

Current Location: Living room
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Every Time I Look At You by Kiss

As you all know I'm pretty much on here every now and then. I'm living with my Aunt. Its great. Sooo much better than with my own. I just lost my job friday. When it rains it tends to pour on me. Me and the guess you can say new bf... its been interesting. We have been together for a month. Everything was going good till I hit that funky mood where I just want to hide. He doesn't really like it but its the way I am. It seems as if all we do is fight now. He made the mood last so much longer than it normally does. I think he's pulling away. I'm starting to think it may be a good idea. I mean seriously. If he is going to throwa fit because I wasn't going to change my plans when i got fired to hang out with my friends.... give me a break. he was a complete jackass because I didn't want to hang out with him I wanted my friends. Just like I had my aunt pick me up because I wanted her and my grandma and not him. He can't seem to understand that. Just because I wanted one night with my friends. Give me a break. I'm almost tempted to go back to online relationships... least I can seem to make those last. I so need a weekend away from everyone here. I want to disappear to a place I havn't been where no one knows me. I'm getting depressed which most know happens this time of year. Self destruct mode is so hard not to get in right now. Its so hard not to. At least when I'm in that mode I don't care about anything. I can actually have fun and not worry. Bad thing is... that its getting so bad.... i been picturing cutting myself... Thats not good. I try so hard not to hate myself anymore... I do though... its not good. Its really hard. I feel like a complete failure. its so not the right time of year right now. well i got to go. bf is bugging me. probably mad that i'm not making him the center of my world. love and miss you all. dont be strangers!!

Current Location: Living room
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: The Woman In Me by Shania Twain

I know I seldom get on here anymore. so much has gone but you know how that is. Still with the pyscho mom and bro. that will never change it seems. i finally got a phone again thankfully. it took me finding a really nice guy. and we are just friends for now. may end up more. i have no idea. just going with the flow for once. I'm holding my own. hes a jackass just like me! he also has a son. been kinda nervous hanging around him but we are bonding. its kinda fun! i'm working at a cici's. its interesting. at least its a job right now. my managers are interesting. just been going crazy around here. think i need to get away one of these days. gots to go....

Current Location: aunts house
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: be somebody

I know its been a while since I've posted. I really should update more. Well, lets see how much my life has gone down hill again. Me and the bf moved into moms house like she wanted. I should have known better. She left to Laredo for a job. Yeah that didn't last long. She came back and it seemed like we could do nothing right. We were going through hard times and couldn't seem to give her all the money she said we needed too. It was suppose to get us back on our feet but put us more in debt. Needless to say, she wouldn't tell him to get out. She made me do it. You can imagine how that went over.I helped him move all the stuff we could. He hugged me, kissed me, and told me he loved me. A few days later I was finally able to call him and he didn't want to talk. I haven't heard from him since. He hung up on me that last time. I guess I'm single. Needless to say I've been trying my hardest not to go into self destruct mode. Trust me thats not a pretty sight. I usually go crazy not caring what I wear or who I end up with. I just want some sort of affection. This time I'm not so bad. I feel as if I can't care about anything. My mother drove away the one person I could see myself spending my life with. And she wonders why I don't seem like I care about anything. She was yelling at me so bad and didn't realize what she was saying. She actually told me that I might as well kill myself. You don't say that to your kids. Its the worse thing a parent can do. And she wonders why I been battling depression since i was 15. hmmm I wonder. than I found out that the bf text my sister and told her he was fine. She doesn't think he is. Now I'm worried. He also left me an address to send his mail to. Didn't say anything about me writing him. He told her to tell me he was sorry. Sorry about what? Why can't he get ahold of me somehow. I'm wondering if he really meant it when he told me he loved me. Everything reminds me of him. I go out with my family and swear I see him but I know its not him. He's gone. He moved away. I feel as if my heart is shattered into a billion peices that will never be put back together. I just don't care anymore. I don't care about anything. I started trying to talk to people again and make friends. yeah. that went over real well. Started talking to this guy named johnny. Just as friends. He went running his mouth to my aunt and his sister and the rest of the pool team. Told them that I was clingy and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. thats bullshit. He told me to text him. He told me to call him. He told me to show up when he was playing. I showed up just to show up one night. When he got there he came up to me and started talking to me. It wasn't the other way around. And I'm the clingy one? I give up. 3 things in less than 24 hours. I don't think so. I'm done. If you want to talk to me. Then you can find a way.  Kinda fucked up. But its okay. I been talking to a guy in pearland on yahoo. He's really nice. seems to like me and doesn't want more than friendship either. I also got talked into goin out wednesday with bro and his friend. That was an interesting night. I played in the dart tournament. There was this cute guy there. He was hanging out with this girl who can't stand me. I never did anything or said anything for her to act the way she does. Its because of my mom and brother that she doesn't like me. I don't care. Well he started picking on me. We introduced ourselves and he started talking to me. We played some pool and some darts. Even had my bro and his friend talking to him. The girl was pissed. He pretty much ignored her. I got so many go to hell looks. It was funny to me. 'sides the last time I knew she was a lesbian, so why was she so mad that he started talking to me? If she only knew that he ended up pretty drunk and I ended up driving his car back to my place. My bro even texted my mom to let her know that he was crashing with me. I woke up the next morning and couldn't believe I had let him slip in the same bed as me. Nothing happened. Just kinda threw me. I realize that even if I am single. I can't have sex right now. I feel as if I'm still with the bf. I know that we are broken up. his silence has pretty much told me that. But in my heart I belong with him. I don't know if I will ever be ready for anyone else. I hate this right now. I think I'm closing my self off and am just looking for some fun right now. Its been so long when I just had fun. The last few months have been hell. I still havn't broke down yet. I wont let myself. If I break down I don't know if I can put myself back together. Damn I really need to post more. This is it for now. Didn't get much sleep last night so I'm going to try for a nap. Love ya'll!!!

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: "Winner at a Losing Game" by Rascal Flatts

go figure. As soon as i think things are going good shit happens. I lost my job. Technically tomorrow is my last day. Im so tired of this shit. Im sorry i dont suck up but i never have. And im sorry i know her business but we shared an office and its kinda hard not too. I put in for a day off last month. Not my fault she forgot and scheduled her vaction for that week. Just because i dont suck up and lie i got fired. But of course she blames it on other things. I get a good reference. Still fucked up. So upset. So plan on gettin drunk this week.

Another year flies by and I seldom found a way to get on here. That just sucks!! Its almost christmas and I been thinking alot about the things that have happened this year. It makes me realize how happy I am now compared to last year. I have actually settled down with someone my family adores. I've been told i would be disowned if anything happens with this one. I also have been living with him for the last four or five months now. We have been together for six. I havn't had a relationship last this long since i was twenty. Scary thought. I think I have finally found my other half. We have had some hard times but thats what happens when your with a psycho bitch like me!! No one is perfect! He has been trying to teach me how to spend money on myself without worrying about prices. Please.... like that will ever happen! I'm a bargain shopper. If its not on sale i doubt I'll get it. He's also trying to get me to be a lil more country. Thats interesting. I have my first pair of cowboy boots now. That is just funny!!! I can't wait for sis to get here. The waiting is driving me crazy!!! It helped that she sent chocolate to munch on. Is march here yet??? I been having weird dreams but the most reoccuring one is the one where he proposes. I'm actually scared that will happen. If not we will just live in sin and enjoy every minute of it. I bet my dad would just love that one. My older half bro and sis have been in touch. I think they are crazy. still wonder what possessed her to call me since I've given up on that side of the family a long time ago. I made my own family and I'm happy with it!!! I also have a new job as an assisstant to an apartment manager! Crazy I know. I love my boss. She is a crazy mexican chic like me!!!  Its so much fun comming to work now. Even crazier that my ex from jr high is one of my tenants!!! he still wants me. I'm still hot!!!! I been losing weight maybe thats it!! Gots to go. Work calls! hugs n kisses to those I love!!!

Current Location: office
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: Last Christmas

wohoo!!! finally made it to update! As most know IKE did a number on us in Texas, I survived it!!! I been living with my bf for a few months now. Things are going well. Thanks to Ike I have no job. Roof of restuarant blew off. I'm okay though. Bf is taking care of things. Three months ago I ended up in the ER. Inflamed Ovarian Cysts again. I'm good. Think I was preggers and didn't know it. If that was true then I had a miscarraige the weekend after the hurricane. Of course, knowing me, I didn't realize that you are more fertile after one. There's a chance I'm preggers again. Don't know for sure but have a few signs. Its okay though. We both want children and I never thought I would be able to have one. Lifes funny lil quirks. But I gots to go. Mom almost out of shower and don't need her seeing this. Love you all!!

Current Location: Moms
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Witchy Woman

my boss isn't too happy now. I put in my two week notice wednesday. I've had it with him and the others. I put up with too much shit and not enough pay. Also, he wouldn't take taxes out of my check even though i'm full time. He seems to think he can get away with me being sub contract work. I don't think so. Sorry but your about to be screwed. Not really sorry at all. oh well shit happens. I'm working at the restuarant. Its a lot of fun! I really like it and once i'm done at the office job i'll be working as many hours as i want wich is awesome. I'm just that good!!! anways wanted to update. Miss you all!!!

Current Location: office
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: If you don't know me by now

I know Its been a month since i've updated. I know have two jobs. I wait tables at night. I work monday night, wed night, thur night, pull a double on sat, and work sunday night. I only have tues night off for darts and friday night off. This is going to wear me out but I have no choice in the matter now. I'm getting better. I have had a lot of happy moments lately. my friend has been a little ass but thats okay. its because of his behavior that me and Shane have gotten closer. We talk almost every day at least once if not two or three times a day. I see him at least once a week. This weekend he spent all weekend at my house. I thought he went home saturday... I get home early cause I didn't take a break and imagine my surprise when mom tells me he's still at my house. I thought it was funny! it was nice being held. me and mom are doing good. She is worried that i'm doing the same thing I usually do. She just doesn't want me hurt or screwed over. I told her I didn't plan to be. I'm not rushing things. We are still not officially bf and gf. I like the fact that I can date someone else even if I choose not to. Shane brought it up friday. He told me I was the coolest girl he's ever dated and that he was worried if we made it official that things would change. I told him thanks and then explained that things wouldn't change as long as we made sure that this is how we want it. I may have made the comment that if he tries to control me I would end up controling him and I could do it a lot better. What can I say? He made the comment that he calls me his gf behind my back anyways. hahaha I do the same thing to him. Its shorter than saying one of the guys i'm seeing. we do spend a lot of what little free time i have together. its nice but we still have our time apart and that is what I love about this. So things are good. My car is acting up... I'm driving it till it dies while saving up the money to get a new motor. anyone want to donate to the car fund? just kiddin.  I'm rambling i know. I'm just tired and waiting for tech to go so i can sneak a nap in before lunch. I got a new shirt. I'm sure some of ya'll would appreciate. its simply states... I Want It All ( and I want it smothered in chocolate with whipped cream and a cherry on top)! How much does that reflect me? I deserve it all and I'm not settling. Its great! well gots to go. need to check up on some things!!! much love!!!! 

Current Location: office
Current Mood: nauseated
Current Music: apologize

Well, I made my decision and its Shane. He doesn't mind me hanging out with my guy friends and he treats me so well. My other friend got upset because I was spending time with Shane. Oh well. I had to get a tire for my car. Me nor mom could get my old one off and we thought it was to bad to drive. Shane came over to help and he couldn't either. IT was so funny. Instead we drove it to the shop and Shane drove us home. He also went to the bar with me to have a beer then came back to my house and watched a movie with me. He isn't big on scary movies but he watched Boogeyman2 with me because I wanted to but couldn't get through the movie when I was alone. He was so sweet. Every time I started getting scared he would distract me. Oh boy what distractions!!! We might have movie night on wednesday. He wants to watch some chick flicks with me. Talk about sweet. He also picked me up at lunch so I could go pick up my car. I'm scared I'm coming on to strong but this is how I am. I'm happy now that I made my decision. Not that it was much of one. I think this is the best choice I could make. The only one that I should have. Well, gots to go. much love to all!!!!

Current Location: office
Current Mood: flirty
Current Music: Country Song Backwards

     Why do I always end up like this? I'm confused. Two very sweet guys want to be with me. I know this. They both know that at this moment I don't want a relationship. At the same time, me being me, I do. I don't like being single yet I love it. I'm so scared to loose my friendship to one. Yet I found out Shane wants to take me and mom out to dinner to ask her if he can date me. I thought he didn't want a relationship. I'm confused. Someone please put me out of my misery! How in the hell do I get in situations like this. Jay spoils me with little things. Making sure I have lunch money, paying for my drinks when i'm around him, paying for pool or darts, giving me movies. Hell, he bought me the dart case that I wanted. He is so sweet and so caring and I'm so scared of making the wrong choice. On the other hand, Shane is sweet to. When we meet he pays for my drinks, he's taking me to lunch, he wants to spend time with me. He's talking about helping me pay my warrant off. He mentioned that last night. Who wouldn't be torn between two wonderful, handsome guys who think i'm beautiful. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Okay thats whats been bothering me lately, especially last night. I had made plans with one by asking a friend to cover. I have to do it this way so mom doesn't get upset. She doesn't know him and so she assumes things and listen to rumors that aren't true. Well, Shane showed up last night. My brother was actually nice and asked him if he played Texas Hold 'em. Shane does. Go figure! My brother is talkin about a poker game tonight. If he has it... I'm suppose to call Shane and let him know. If that happens I'll have to stay home and be the good girl. Sheesh!
    Anyways, more happened on Tuesday. My ex supervisor who I thought was a close friend of mine had been talking trash to me. I thought we were friends and had been for three years. He said its taken him this long to realize that I am a Bitch. I don't take offense to that. It runs in my family. He also called me a whore and a leach. I don't make much. I pay my bills. No one else. But because I don't spend money on him like he has on me... I'm a leach. I'm sorry. I barely make ends meet. My only extras are ciggs, dart night, and every now and then a friday night out. As to me being a whore... why do men call us that when we do the same things that they do? I'm not married. He is. He tried to get with me. I turned him down. When I am with someone...I'm all in the relationship, Oh btw I'm psycho. I'm fucking nuts and I wont ever get a guy to keep me. I'm just a trial or test girlfriend. Who said I wanted to have a guy keep me? If a guy can't handle me or my family than what use to me is he? I want someone to love me for me flaws and all. I'm not perfect. No one is. I guess he just can't realize it. 
    Okay thats enough for now. Almost getting a clear head. Have to get to work now. Have fun!

Current Location: office
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Run by Linkin Park

Well, I know its been a while since I updated last. Enough has happened that I might actually have something to write. Happy New Year's everyone. I hope it was a good one and I wish that this year is better than the last. Instead of spending new years eve at home like I planned I went to the bar and hung out with one close friend a few others that are not so close. It was a good night. Shane showed up because I told him I wanted him to be the one to give me my new years kiss. I thought that was really nice. We both are not ready for a relationship yet which is good. We just talk and hang out. Havn't really been on a real date. The lunch dates don't count because Its always last minute. Of course there was talk because I did get drunk. 3 shots of Patron and no telling how many beers. So what if I gave him a lil lap dance. Its not like I was messing with anyone else in the bar. He's hot and he likes me. He hasn't pressured me for anything. He also told me that he wants mom's respect. I think that is a good thing. He left around 12:30. I hung out with my friend that I'm close to but not as close as it could be. I know now that Ignorance can be Bliss. Unfortunately one of my best friends opened my eyes on how I feel about my friend. There would be way to much opposition if we even tried to hook up. My mom being the number one against us. I would go through hell and I don't think I have the strength. In this case I wish I was ignorant still. He's become one of my closests friends in a short time. I can tell him almost anything. We have a lot in common. He's older and has been through more but hell age is just a number. I just know I don't have the fight in me anymore. The last year has been so hard. I'm still working on getting my feet back on the ground and getting everything taken care of. I decided to settle. I don't have the fight in me so I'm going to go with what I know will be little opposition and I can still be happy. It sucks but I know its for the best. Its funny because they are both good guys. I just wish I was still ignorant. IT doesn't help one of my best friends wants me to be with him and keeps making comments about how good we would be together. But I know Shane will be good to. I already know he's a good guy and a great kisser. I need to stick with the least opposition. Oh well. Shit happens right. On that note I found out that my father was in the hospital for about 10 days. I find this out after he got home because my stepmonster of 16 years took the kids and left. They are now in PA. The religion they got into I swear is a cult. If you only knew. In their eyes my father is still married to his first wife and not to the stepmonster and wont be until first wife dies. Then he is married to 2nd wife when that one dies he married to my mom and when she dies he married to stepmonster. Funny thing is that they are saying Stepmonster never married my father but that she can't get married until my father dies. How messed up is that? that is if you can understand what I'm typing. Also, talked to my lil bro. He's 16. Hasn't been to school in a year because he believes he's smart enough to work. He doesn't need school to make money. He has to be the man of the house and pay the bills. I want to kick my stepmom's ass so bad right now!!! Oh well. I need to go and look like i'm doing work. Love to all!!!! kisses to those who know who they are!!! 

Current Location: Office
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Somewhere by Linkin Park

Well, Its another week closer to the end of the year. I'm absolutely bored out of my mind. My job sucks. I'm tired and cranky and I hate taking medication. Hopefully soon I'll figure out what it is that I need to do. I'm hoping that Kat and Khristianna are going out again this friday. Maybe I'll meet Jake again. If not thats cool. I still plan on having fun! Saturday is the Christmas party at the bar. I'll be there for a little while. Hopefully I will hear from Shane... total cutie. He dated a girl that I knew that I can't stand. He's a hottie! He has these eyes that you can just drown in. I wonder how he kisses? lol. What can I say? This last breakup didn't damage me emotionally like the others did. I feel as if my heart was closed off for some reason. Anways, Shane is suppose to call me Saturday to hang out. If not.. I'll see what Jake has planed. I don't plan on being bored any more than I have to. I need to go out and have fun. I'm staying busy as much as I can. Maybe that's why I'm so tired. Hell my dogs still wont let me out of there sight without causing a commotion. Tupper keeps trying to get in my car to go for a ride. I just might let him soon. I plan on dressing casual this weekend. Jake met me when I was all dressed up. I'm wonder what he wil think when I'm in jeans and flip flops. I'm hoping that I can just find someone to have fun with. I don't want anything really clingy right now. I want to be able to do what I want when I want without having some jump my ass because I wasn't with them or i came home late. I don't want or need another daddy. Maybe one of these days some guy will understand. I have enough to deal with on a daily basis without adding any more to it. Hell, try dealing with my family. I also want a guy who wont come between me and my family. Our relationship is a lot better than it has been in years and I don't need anyone starting shit. I do that enough with out any help. Trust me. Well, I probably should try and get some work done. Miss you all. Hope things are going good!

Current Location: Office
Current Mood: flirty
Current Music: Over You

Saturday night was a blast! I met up with some friends for dinner and we decided to have a girls night out. Well then one of the so called friends blew us off twice.  So me and the other friend decided to go out with out here. She helped me out with my outfit and we went out. I was the ying to her yang... So can't wait to see how the photos turned out. Our first stop had a lot of older people.  Definitly made us feel better about ourselves! Second place was a hole in the wall. It was called.... The Cockeyed Seagull. What kind of name was that? Our last stop was like a lil sports bar with lots of pool tables. We didn't play pool but they had a decent band and we hung out. The best part was that we were going by false names. She was Kat and I borrowed my Sisters name of Christianna.... Love you sis! Kat had this guy who we both swear was a confused gay guy hitting on her.  Even the lesbian chic we were talking to said he had to be gay! When we first got there this kinda cute guy said hi to me. We introduced ourselves then went back to or friends. Well, Kat kept at me to go and talk to the guy but I had that stupid shyness hit me all of a sudden. I mean me and the ex havnt been broken up all that long. Well she ended up telling the gay guy that I really should talk to the cutie. Instead the gay guy caught his attention and mentioned that I thought he was cute. Next thing I know I have this guy sitting next to me and we hit it off. I ended up with his arm around me and his cap on. Go figure.  A good ole boy .... He was so country... Originally from Vidor and he's hitting on lil ol me.  Heck he even knew one of our favorite avril lavine songs. Well he's staying out in texas city... we ended up driving to his hotel room and staying the rest of the night. We talked and had fun. I was still with Kat. Passed out in his bed and woke up to his and his roomies alarm clocks. Tried to wake them up and that didn't happen so me and Kat left.  I got a text later that day saying how much he missed me and when was he going to see me again. they got to work late. didnt get up till 10 and were suppose to be there at 7:30. HE apologized about the alarms. I've gotten text messages from him about four times yesterday and during my lunch break today. to bad my phone is going to be turned off till friday because I forgot to pay the bill. oh well. Shit happens. Anways.. he is a really good kisser. Kat has pics... glad not all of them are going on her myspace. anyways... thought i'd update. I'm doing okay... On meds for the stupid cyst that put me in the hospital on wednesday night. I'm better. the pain pretty much has gone away. Gots to go. Breaks over. Love ya'll!!!!!!

Current Location: Office
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Over You

I only have time for short update. Me and the bf split. I thought things were so good. That is until he kept getting into my mother's things. I have spent the last two months running interference until I couldn't do it anymore. We decided to take a break and he has now moved out. I have pretty much given up on finding anyone at this time. I am trying to focus on the things I need to do to straighten out my life. This year hasn't been the greatest. I have lost four people in one year. It hurts. I never got to say goodbye to any of them. I miss them. I realize now that my last relationship was just a rebound and trying to force something that should have just happened on its own. I never really let anyone know the problems that I was having. For once I was trying to work things out on my own. My aunt told him that I was either crazy or stupid to let him go. I don't think I was either. By the end of it I was so stressed out that I ended up becoming sick. I started to make mistakes that truthfully I shouldn't have. I know these things happen for the best. I just need to learn to let go and let things happen the way they are suppose to. I just hope that I can. I've calmed down lately. I try to do what needs to be done but i just keep hurting myself. Right now I have a friend who is hurting worse than I am since losing her cousin and having her other cousin in a wheel chair for a while. We just had a benefit on saturday and raised more than we expected. We are going to have another on in Dallas in Feburary. I just hope that I can help out as much as possible. It should definitly be interesting. I'm such a dreamer. I dream of so many things and yet I can't seem to make any of those dreams happen. I keep remembering something someone said in jest to me that sounds so true. IF there is anything to fuck up I would fuck it up. Oh well, Least I know that my friendship brings some smiles. I'm always there for those who need to talk. I just wish I knew what advice to give myself. Things seldom seem to be what they are. Its true that every one has masks and never to judge a book by its cover. One of these days I will make things right. Until then... its almost lunch time and I'm starving. I miss you all!

Current Location: office
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Bleed It Out

Well, we all know how I am. I'm doing good. Better than I have been in a long time. I went to Texas Ren Fair this Saturday with the bf and mom. Of course me and bf took off while mom hung out with my bro and the rest of the group. I saw a lot of my old friends from when I worked there. Heck, I even saw two of my ex's... was interesting to compare what I use to date to the love of my life.  Its interesting to see certain aspects. Well, Bf bought me a beautiful necklace. I'll get pics where i'm wearing it for those who want to see. Its the first time a boyfriend actually bought jewlery just for me and gave it. I have a ring from an old friend but he had bought it originally for someone else. This was bought just for me because he wanted me to have something that in his words was as close to being as beauitful as me to remember the day by.  Its not gaudy cause I can't wear stuff like that. Even has one of my favorite stones in it.  Of course I had to show it off. I can't help it. He even started looking at rings and made the comment maybe one of them would do until he can afford to get me another one. Yes he is talking about proposing. Scary thought. I've had a few in my lifetime but i've always been able to say no without hurting anyone. But I know in my heart I'm going to say yes. He knows it to. When I looked in his eyes for the first time I knew he was it. Even my few close friends here in tx see how much I've changed since I been with him. I'm happier, more content then i have been for a long time. I finally feel as if I'm truly loved. He just wants the best for me. I've heard a lot of comments about how I am now. I'm not an emotional mess like I use to be. I love him. I wish everyone could find there other halfs like I have found mine. We have talked about our pasts. our pasts is what has formed us. Just one thing kinda hurts when we talk about them. He talks about one girl and calls her his soulmate.... makes me wonder what I am? I'm sure I'll get the courage to actually ask him one day. Anyways, I have to go. Boss is about to come in and he's being an ass. I swear I go from a jerk of an ex to a boss who is worse. I sure can pick them... anyways if ya'll want to find me ...  look for myspace.com/lillidust
What can I say? it fits! hugs n kisses!

Current Location: Office
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: It Matters To Me

I know its been a while since I have written. Forgive me but work is a pain in the ass and I don't really use his pc when I'm home. Yes he's moved in with me. We been living together over a month now almost two. Its kinda weird. Yes things have changed but at the same time most of it has stayed the same. He has changed to a new job where he makes better money. He told me he did this because he wants to have a good future with me. We both rush home to see each other. Him more than me because he gets home after me. I been really fusterated lately and I'm not quite sure why. A lot of little things keep bothering me. I miss my girly time but after the last time we tried to hang out I gave up. Her bf is a major ass and i'm not putting up with it anymore. I'm doing better i'm just tired all the time and finicky. My bf doesn't care though. He just tries to make sure that I'm happy and everything is okay. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve him. I love him so much. I'm glad we found each other. Its awesome! I'm also going to get back on the dart league. I miss it and the bf is cool with it as long as I come home at a decent hour. I wonder what his idea of decent is compared to mine? anyways I have to go. I'm at work and we know how that is! Have fun and miss you all!!! call me sometime sis! 

Current Location: office
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: In Love With You

I can never do things the easy way. We all know this. I have still been single. That was shot almost two weeks sunday. I met the man of my dreams. I wasn't looking. I just went to a dart tournament for a benefit with my mom and brother. Yes we are getting along. I met my love. He has worked hard in proving to me that I'm who he wants to be with. My dog is even turnin traitor when he is around. My girls absolutely adore him. He will be moving in soon. Neither of us can stand him having to leave every night. It just about kills me. He rushes home from work just to see me. I know that can't last but its nice while it last. My mother accepts him in my life. She even told me that I have nothing to prove to her if i wanted him to move in. He's proven exactly what he set out to prove in her eyes. I'm truly happy for the first time in my life. I feel such freedom in love. I never knew it could be like this. HE is so much more than what I've ever dreamed, hoped, or wished for. He shows me everyday how much he cares. He is by no means lazy. He's mowed the grass so mom and I don't have to. He's working on setting her computer up with the internet. He even enjoys hanging out with my family. I don't think I've ever had any guy I was with enjoy that. He even thinks up things we can do as a family. I look forward to going home in the first time since I can ever remember. I can be myself and enjoy life. He makes me see things in a whole new way. Yes he is older than me. Ten years older. I've never gotten along with those my age but he suits me so well. We have plenty in common and some thats not so in common. He doesn't mind cuddlign and talking to me. He even enjoys it. He doesn't tell me what I can or can't do or say. He doesn't yell at me or get mad at me for spending time with my friends or family. He even asks if he can tag along. Mom swears we are going to have a hurricane because of this. She even admitted to being scared because I didn't find him.... He found me. She likes him. My brother told me after the last ex that no one could move in with me. At the time that was fine. Now I've found out that after being with my bf for a week my brother has decided that he can move in with me. I'm taking my time and really thinking about this. Its a big step and I'm scared of making a mistake again. As much as I love him I don't think I can go through what I have another time. I know he understands that. I love him that much more for understanding me. He makes me talk even when I want to be silent. We both agree that communication is the one thing that we need to make this work. Trust me. ITs hard but well worth it. And the few times that I've fallen asleep next to him and woke up with him by myside has been the best. I know he will be by myside no matter what I decide. I fully trust him. and for those who love to know.... I've never been made love to until him. ITS WONDERFUL!!!! OMG!!!! HE's the best I've ever had. When he kisses me... everything but him disappears. I even forget what I'm talking about. I've never had a guy make me go speechless from a kiss. Its wonderful. I can't wait for my sis and her family to meet him. I'm just a little bit nervous about meeting his family. okay I have to go. he will be here soon to pick me up!!!! hugs n kisses to those who want them!!!

Current Location: Office
Current Mood: loved
Current Music: Forever and Always

Yes, thats what I'm trying is not to rush into anything. Things have been well since my last update. My date was fun. We went and say Live Free or Die Hard. It was good. He was sweet to me. Didn't try anything which was a first. Since it was kinda late he stayed the night. I know most of you think I'm crazy but it was nice having someone there. He didn't try anything and didn't pressure me at all. We did kiss for quite a while though.  He left early saturday morning while I was sleeping. He did wake me up and kiss me goodbye though. We talked again all week. I was joking with him and sent him a text and he called me back on wednesday. For someone who doesn't like talking on the phone he sure does talk to me sometimes. We talked for 40 minutes and he ended up coming over. He stayed the night again. He also came over Saturday night and took me and mom out. He is two years younger than me which is good because he still knows how to have fun. We had a serious conversation that night. With him tellin me to look at me and just staring into my eyes with the sweetest look. All the while, tellin me he doesn't want to rush things because he's scared he will hurt me and thats the last thing he wants to do. Hello, Already said that! I told him I just wanted to take things one day at a time and slow because I'm not ready anymore. Both of us agreed that even though we are not together we wont mess around with anyone else. Thats great. Means I can still date but I just get some from him. Fine with me. I don't like one night stands and I have a very healthy sex drive. For once, someone who could keep up with me! its kinda scary. I'm still wondering how this all happened. Me and my mom were talking about it. One minute its just me and I'm sayin I want a break  I don't want to be with anyone right now. Its time to focus on me and the next here he is and i'm like what the fuck!??!?! I never expected this to happen. He thinks i'm beautiful and fun and he doesn't mind driving to see me. Granted he lives less than an hour away but thats gas and time. Yes, I have had alot of fun with him. My ex never looked at me it seemed while we were in bed. Not once do I ever remember him looking at me when we were making love. It was always wham bam i'm done hope it was good for you. After a while it became routine and I could take it or leave it. This guy pays attention to me. He jokes around with me. He touches me and watches me. I look at him and his eyes are right on me. Thats a first. He seems to enjoy spending time with me. Which is totally crazy!!! I think for the first time in so long I'm happy. I'm on my own. I have someone interested in me willing to spend the time with me and not wanting to rush me like everyone else. I have my friends and my family and its great!  A friend of mine told me not to rush things to take it slow and I don't think anyone realizes that I'm trying to hard to take everything slow and just be me. I want to enjoy every moment and not worry. I'm damn well going to do it. Though I do have to admit, even though I wasn't looking for him, I'm glad he found me. I just want fun. I don't want to mess it up and I don't plan on it, but if he can't handle how I am or who I hang out with then he will be gone. I refuse to go through what I already have been and I plan on doing and saying and hanging out with whoever I want. The freedom to just be is awesome and impowering!

Current Location: office
Current Mood: good
Current Music: GLAMOROUS

Well as we all know I'm crazy.  My neck and back are slowly getting better.  Still catches me unaware and I'm often  tired, When I start hurting I often get cranky. Not very good in my position. Yes I have an attitude. Some call me Ms. Attitude if you must know. I been doing a lot of thinking lately. Everything has a reason behind it. I'm still trying to find all the reasons but I've come to realize that I am better off now than I have been in a long time. I'm only dependent on me now. Thats a first. Yes, I still need help every now and then and I get it from those who love me and will always be there for me. When he first left I didn't know what I was going to do. I was so hurt and so confused. He had me so down that I didn't know who I was or what I should do. I was always so careful about not upsetting him. I watched everything I said and did and when I finally got my job I got my confidence back. I don' t think he liked that very much. I got tired of being in trouble for the stupidest things like hanging out with me family. I'm glad that we are over. I never thought I would ever say that but I am. I still love him and knowing how I am I always will. I just know that I am worth more than he ever gave me and I will have more. I'm not settling for anything less than what I want. The accident put a lot in perspective for me. I know I wouldn't be this far in getting over him without that happening. Knowing how close we were to being even hurt more than we were helped alot and knowing that now matter what the family that I was given and the ones that I claim will always be there have helped also. I don't know when I'll be ready to try for a real relationship. At this point I'm scared cause  i don't even want sex. Thats kinda scary you know.  Me being the sensual and sexual person that I am not wanting to get any is just weird! I am going on a date tonight. I'm not sure if I'm ready but the only way I know is if I try. He seems like a good guy but I have been wrong before. I'm not letting him into my heart anytime soon though. I'm definitely not ready for that. I need to get back on my feet and do for me. Scary thought is I wont be at the bar. We are actually going to the movies. My first real real date in hell I don't know if I ever really been on a real date. Thats kinda scary. oh hold up... I did right before me and the asshole ex got together. Damn. I need to get back in my groove. this guy has been calling me and texting me and hell last weekend he showed up at the bar three days in a row just to see if I was there and when I wasn't he got my mom to call me and see if I could go up there and hang out. that is a first for me. I think I'm going to have a lot of first from now on. I'm looking forward to it. well I need to go. will be leaving work to go home mop, take a shower, and get ready for my date. I'm a little bit nervous but I think this will be good for me. I hope so. I need a little fun in my life right now. I'm scared enough as it is. Love to you all! hugs n kisses to those who want them!!!

Current Location: Office
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Leave The PEices by The Wreckers