Dust of a Dreaming Star - to many changes

I know its been a while since I've posted. I really should update more. Well, lets see how much my life has gone down hill again. Me and the bf moved into moms house like she wanted. I should have known better. She left to Laredo for a job. Yeah that didn't last long. She came back and it seemed like we could do nothing right. We were going through hard times and couldn't seem to give her all the money she said we needed too. It was suppose to get us back on our feet but put us more in debt. Needless to say, she wouldn't tell him to get out. She made me do it. You can imagine how that went over.I helped him move all the stuff we could. He hugged me, kissed me, and told me he loved me. A few days later I was finally able to call him and he didn't want to talk. I haven't heard from him since. He hung up on me that last time. I guess I'm single. Needless to say I've been trying my hardest not to go into self destruct mode. Trust me thats not a pretty sight. I usually go crazy not caring what I wear or who I end up with. I just want some sort of affection. This time I'm not so bad. I feel as if I can't care about anything. My mother drove away the one person I could see myself spending my life with. And she wonders why I don't seem like I care about anything. She was yelling at me so bad and didn't realize what she was saying. She actually told me that I might as well kill myself. You don't say that to your kids. Its the worse thing a parent can do. And she wonders why I been battling depression since i was 15. hmmm I wonder. than I found out that the bf text my sister and told her he was fine. She doesn't think he is. Now I'm worried. He also left me an address to send his mail to. Didn't say anything about me writing him. He told her to tell me he was sorry. Sorry about what? Why can't he get ahold of me somehow. I'm wondering if he really meant it when he told me he loved me. Everything reminds me of him. I go out with my family and swear I see him but I know its not him. He's gone. He moved away. I feel as if my heart is shattered into a billion peices that will never be put back together. I just don't care anymore. I don't care about anything. I started trying to talk to people again and make friends. yeah. that went over real well. Started talking to this guy named johnny. Just as friends. He went running his mouth to my aunt and his sister and the rest of the pool team. Told them that I was clingy and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. thats bullshit. He told me to text him. He told me to call him. He told me to show up when he was playing. I showed up just to show up one night. When he got there he came up to me and started talking to me. It wasn't the other way around. And I'm the clingy one? I give up. 3 things in less than 24 hours. I don't think so. I'm done. If you want to talk to me. Then you can find a way.  Kinda fucked up. But its okay. I been talking to a guy in pearland on yahoo. He's really nice. seems to like me and doesn't want more than friendship either. I also got talked into goin out wednesday with bro and his friend. That was an interesting night. I played in the dart tournament. There was this cute guy there. He was hanging out with this girl who can't stand me. I never did anything or said anything for her to act the way she does. Its because of my mom and brother that she doesn't like me. I don't care. Well he started picking on me. We introduced ourselves and he started talking to me. We played some pool and some darts. Even had my bro and his friend talking to him. The girl was pissed. He pretty much ignored her. I got so many go to hell looks. It was funny to me. 'sides the last time I knew she was a lesbian, so why was she so mad that he started talking to me? If she only knew that he ended up pretty drunk and I ended up driving his car back to my place. My bro even texted my mom to let her know that he was crashing with me. I woke up the next morning and couldn't believe I had let him slip in the same bed as me. Nothing happened. Just kinda threw me. I realize that even if I am single. I can't have sex right now. I feel as if I'm still with the bf. I know that we are broken up. his silence has pretty much told me that. But in my heart I belong with him. I don't know if I will ever be ready for anyone else. I hate this right now. I think I'm closing my self off and am just looking for some fun right now. Its been so long when I just had fun. The last few months have been hell. I still havn't broke down yet. I wont let myself. If I break down I don't know if I can put myself back together. Damn I really need to post more. This is it for now. Didn't get much sleep last night so I'm going to try for a nap. Love ya'll!!!

Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: "Winner at a Losing Game" by Rascal Flatts